Those moments that make you shake your head

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brimac41

Aquarium Advice Activist
Joined
Jan 16, 2010
Messages
188
Location
Ashland , Ky.
After reading some threads on here were people dismiss the advice given from those who know what they are talking about like the one about someone stating their cichlids keep dying yet ignored all the advice given , I thought I would relate me story .

My wife's best friends received a 10 Gal. Aquarium for her B-day last summer . So she set it up and in the same day dumped in her fish and watched them all die off in the next two or three days . So she comes to my house , she likes to look at my set-up and then the questions begin . She asks me how I keep my water crystal clear , how my fish look so healthy and vibrant and how they ACTUALLY swim , chase , eat and play . I always tell her it takes time , research , research and more research and experience . Do I know everything about fish keeping ? Well since I learn something new everyday on this site means I do not (but that is why I love this site) . But I do know how to keep my fish healthy with good water quality and proper feeding , and mixing appropriate fish that will dwell together in peace and would be a proper fish for my tank size .

She will ask me how to cycle her aquarium , I will tell her how and she then disregards what I have said and buys that crap that states that it will automatically cycle an aquarium . She will ask me if this or that fish will do well in her 10 gal. I tell her NO they will not , yet she turns around and buys the very same fish I told her not to purchase . She will ask me how to keep her water crystal clear like mine , I tell her to figure out the problem and fix it and she will run out and buy some product that supposedly clears up cloudy water . She will ask me how to get her ammonia/nitrite readings down , I tell her water changes and properly cycling her aquarium , she runs out and buys Ammo Lock . She asks me how to bring down her pH , I tell her to leave it alone , that a steady pH is better than one that fluctuates . And what does she do ? Yep , she runs out and buys pH down/up . I tell her not to cover up the problem with chemicals , but find the source of the problem and correct it .

I have a rather large collection of books on aquariums/fish keeping so I offer her a few to read , yet she turns me down . I have pointed her to this site but she would rather spend her time on Facebook .

I do not understand people , they want to ask questions but do not heed the advice given and/or does the opposite . So I ask her , why bother asking me questions if she is going to do the opposite and she tells me "well the employee at Wal Mart says differently" and does what they say to do . I have lost count of how many fish she has killed and when she asks me questions , the first thing that she says is don't tell me "you have to do water changes !" . The other night was the last straw , so I told her if she doesn't want to put in the work , then she does not need to keep fish . I understand making beginners mistakes , but to continue making the same mistakes that killed their fish before blows my mind , we are supposed to learn from them , not repeat them .

Sorry for the long post , but if people want to learn how to properly keep fish healthy and happy , then listen to those who have been at it for years . I do not see the point in looking for help and then completely ignoring it .
 
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Fish are supposed to be "easy". It's the sad misconception many people live with. They're supposed to be very little work and look pretty. I've had people laugh at me when they see my pile of buckets and chemicals and hoses and I tell them I need them to take care of my fish.
 
I posted on here once about how people come for advice and then either totally disregard it or turn rude when you tell them it's going to take some work. Sadly, we're in a society that wants instant gratification. All we can do is offer what we can and hope they take it. If not, we have the choice to ignore their requests for help or (if we can) do it ourselves. Personally, I'm a snarky kind of woman. If you ask my advice on something that I know and disregard it, I will disregard you. On here I tend to try to keep it nice, but IRL, with people I know, I'll tell them where the bear pooped in the woods. ;)

Poor fishes.
 
I agree that so many places make fishkeeping sound like such an easy thing to do. I saw one craigslist ad that i almost replied to. They had a 10g tank for sale, said it came with goldfish. The part that really burned me was "its perfect for kids, all it requires is a pinch of food every now and then, clean it out once a month or so, and fill it back up when it evaporates". It does really bother me when i see people who have asked for advice, had more than one person suggest things to help their fish, yet they repeatedly come back with other things. Referring to the thread you mentioned in your first post, i totally agree. People dont want to do water changes to remove ammonia when products like "Ammo-lock" are available. These products, imo, should not be made. ph up and down is another one. People throw ph so far out of proportion. I was a victim too! First thing i did when i sat my tank up was add fish (the same day, 18 goldfish in a 55g), then i bought a ph test kit along with ph down. I thought ph had to be 7. most of us here want to learn, and spread what we've learned to others, but there are those few who refuse to accept advice.
 
It is definitely frustrating trying to give advice when the person asking for it just disregards what you say. I think part of the problem is people's perception of the hobby itself. In today's world of hi tech, get it done NOW mentality, it's hard for some people to grasp that you just need to slow down and let things happen naturally and that there is work involved in keeping fish just like any other animal.

At least you tried, and when she asks again just answer, "www.aquariumadvice.com, you'll find your answer there, don't ask me."
 
I read up quite a bit on Ammo lock because I was considering using it. That stuff converts ammonia to ammonium which is less toxic. It sounds all good until read up some more about ammonia vs ammonium. Ammonia naturally converts to ammonium in low PH water (and soft too I think). So, if you have soft low PH water then you are throwing away your money.

So, get it only if you have hard high PH water, right? HAHAHA... NO! This part is great. Sure, all the ammonia you see on your test will be in the form of ammonia and not ammonium (ammonium still shows up on the test). So, you'd think it'd be a good thing to convert all that ammonia to ammonium until you realize that in hard high PH water it naturally converts to ammonia. So, basically what you are doing is converting ammonia to ammonium so it can naturally convert back to ammonia.

Seems to me if you use Ammo Lock you are putting this expensive liquid stuff in your tank for no reason. Because, if your water parameters are such that ammonium is sustained then it should already be ammonium, and if not well then it's going to revert right back to ammonia.

Disclaimer: I'm no expert on this, and this is just my understanding of what I've read.
 
I was in Walmart the other day, and there were 2 people buying a tank for a betta. They were getting the plastic funky shaped one that I had bought when I first started (1G). Well, it's not a BAD tank, and it's better than a little bowl, but I told them it was a piece of crap haha! So they put it back and got a bigger one. They seemed to be avoiding me, and then some other guy walked up and started talking to me about how irresponsible people are with their pets, and I overhear the 2 people saying, "Well, the betta doesn't need a filter or heater, the last one didn't, and we can also put another algae eater in there." Well, my jaw dropped to the floor, and then they saw me looking at them and hurried around the corner. A month before that, I was talking to a guy buying feeder goldies, and I asked him what kind of fish he has, he said Oscar, and I said "Wow, you must have a big tank!" He said, "Naaah, it's 35 gallons." DOH! I said, "Hmmm, well you know they need a bigger tank and get pretty big, right?" And he said, "Haha, I used to have 2 in there." Then he also walked away from me....I must have a look on my face that says, "I am VERY angry" which makes the people run from me LOL. I know EXACLTY how you feel Dragon, which is how I got the nickname "Smilin' Darby" HAHA! ;)
 
When it comes to living creatures , I have found when someone says it is easy , then question any advice they may give you . Dogs , cats , fish or what have you are not self maintaining , they all need a level of care not only to where they survive , but care should be given to the point to where they THRIVE .

My wife calls me her fish geek and laughs at all my cleaning gear , different kinds of food , test kits etc; etc; , and Dr. Doolittle for the care I give my dogs , but she does get to reap the benefits of my work by getting to enjoy watching healthy , happy fish swimming in a crystal clear aquarium . And well fed , well groomed , flea free and healthy dogs to play with and love on . She once asked me how many books do I need on dog care and aquarium/fish care ? I told her as many as it takes .
 
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Yep, I think most people think keeping fish is 'easy', and it is,, when you know what you're doing!

Part of the problem is everyone as a Mum / Aunty / Gran who kept a goldfish for years in a little bowl and did no maintenance on it, and they can't understand that there's a lot more too it than that.

Certainly when we decided to keep fish we certainly didn't expect there would be as much to think about. We didn't know anything about cycling or filters etc. And when we first bought our tank we were just told that you needed to leave it to settle for a week then you could put fish in and it would all be fine. It was only after second fish died that we found out about cycling.

We also thought buying a 25 litre (6 gallon) tank would be more than enough for a goldfish, after all I remember seeing my friends when I was little have them in small bowls. Wrong again!

As it stands I have 11 fish who are happy and doing very well. But I've had another 11 die on me :(.

I know now that the first fish we had (a red cap oranda) basically stood no chance whatsoever. I still remember him fondly even though he only lasted a week. He was my first pet (not owned by my parents) after all.
 
Interesting post. I'll probably take a lot of heat for this but I think this boils down to a male/female thing. In my experience, women are quick to dismiss the work that goes into fish keeping and laugh it off as completely unnecessary. I remember when I was fishless cycling my tank and my wife had her girl friends over. They all asked, “where are the fish”, and my wife would give some sort of sarcastic answer that I’m nuts and have to wait for the water to get bacteria in it before adding fish. Then, all of her friends would laugh and make it seem like I was crazy and that you can just add fish the second you add water.

8 months later, I do weekly PWCs, maintain the filters, feed a variety of foods, etc.. and my tank is amazing. All of the fish are happy and healthy, but it took me a lot of research and at least 1.5 hours a week to make the tank look so good. Now, when she has friends over, they talk about how nice the tank looks.

I will say I’m sure this doesn’t apply to ALL women, but this is just my experience. My wife does the same thing when it comes to other things, like taking care of the lawn and landscape at our house. However, when everything looks great (thanks to me), she’s quick to note it.
 
In defense of the people who disregard advice they are given I have been guilty of that in the past but more along the lines of a gotta see for myself sense (yes I am a women). But trying and learning is one of the things I love about this hobby and what makes success sweet. It has taken me nearly 4 years to figure out and understand the whole cycling process and how important it really is and if someone had told me when I first got my tank how much work it really is I would have said screw it and probably gave it away and never realized how enjoyable the work actually is to me. Now having said that yeah I get pissed off too when someone won't listen to me lol.
 
You're treading on thin ice there. There are several accomplished female aquarists here that might take offense.

I've seen men pull exactly the same kind of things. Usually they're the super macho types that want a big, bad fish, just so they can feed things to it. Way too many oscars end up in little 10g tanks because of people like that.

I've heard of people putting clownfish in freshwater, half a dozen pacus in 55g tanks, bettas purchased with the intention of making them fight... It's sad.
 
My statement was referring to females that are non-aquarists, so I apologize if any of the women on this site take offense.

I was just referring to my experience. All of the women that came to my house and saw my tank when it was cycling all had the same reaction. Something along the lines of asking where the fish were and then ridiculing me when they were told about the cycling process. Not a single man had that reaction.

I just think men are more meticulous and thorough about certain things, and women are more meticulous and thorough about other things. The post that started this thread seems to prove my point.

I did not mean to make a sexist statement, I apologize if anyone took it that way. This is just my experience, limited as it is. I'm sure many men on this site would agree with me,
 
No offense meant I was just answering the voice in my head which sounds ironically just like my husband. Thankfully I haven't cost too many fishy lives due to my stubbornness and thanks to everyone (women and men) on here I have way more "oh OK" moments than "what the ___" moments lately. I have also learned there is no shame in going to the LFS with bag in hand.
 
Now, as a woman, I have found in some circumstances men don't want to take my advice. Age or knowledge don't seem to make a difference either. It really all boils down to I don't tell them what they want to hear and instant disregard. Like I said earlier, I'm nice and civil on here, IRL I'm brutally honest. I would hope, as an accomplished female aquarist that it wouldn't boil down to a gender issue.

In my house, I am the one who does all the researching that needs done, I do all the maintenance, all the shopping for supplies (for the most part, sometimes I'll leave a list) all the talking at the LFS etc. My fiance does the hard labor. He builds stands (*sigh* he needs to hurry up on these 2) he carries the canister filters for me since my back can't take it, he gets the guys over to help move tanks etc. He's also my eyes when I'm setting decor since I can't see anything but from the top of the tank.
 
what about the ones that ask a question and then reply "well ive had aquariums all my life and never did that." (indicating you must be wrong) Thats when i ask them "so why did your fish die then?" yea i usually get blank stares. lol

I also love it when people see my tank and the first thing they say is "thats alot of rock in there the fish have no place to swim."
 
yea, to go along with the whole "why aren't there fish in your tank yet" I totally understand! however in my experience it has been men who can't understand the work that needs to be put in. my husband's father, for one, says every time he comes over and sees our fishless tank "I never heard of having to cycle a tank we always just set it up and threw in the fish!" one more time and I may snap! I've actually considered covering the tank somehow. also, my old roomate's husband does their tanks and is always giving me crap about how I am going about it, making sure I complete the nitrogen cycle. "whatever just throw the fish in...I just play with it until the water is 'right'" I don't even know what he means, all I know is the tank is always filthy and they are constantly losing fish! so why should I listen to him...? but apparently doing research and learning about aquariums makes it like school, not a hobby, according to him. I believe the exact opposite! either way I like school and love to learn, which is one reason why I love this site so much. I just can't wait until my tank cycles and I can prove to everyone that my research, hard work, and patience has paid off.
 
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Well, I am a chick, and I can tell you that I am the one who does all the research in the house. If it was left up to my husband, NOTHING would get done and everything would be suffering.
My problem is that I buy what I want, and THEN I start reasearching, but then I will read and read and read. I become obsessed with knowing everything I can about my hobby. And then to top that off, I am a perfectionist, so in all reality, my husband thinks I am the crazy fish lady, and I tell everyone I know about keeping fish so they don't have to go through the same thing I did.
I have had the opposite experience as mctypething, with the guys always asking, "Why do you have a huge tank, and only 2 little fish in there?" And I have to tell them, AGAIN, "Because that black one you see in there? He will get up to 18 inches, and I don't want to have to rehome the other fish when that happens." "Well, just leave them all in there, they'll be fine." "Yeah, that's like putting a cat in a room full of mice."
I am the one in the house who takes the dogs to the vet, takes care of the pigs and fish. If I wasn't there, everything would get done the wrong way.
 
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