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Old 07-27-2005, 01:57 PM   #11
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It must be very hard to consider ending a 9 year relationship. I feel for you and I am glad you are finding some comfort in your tanks.

Fish tanks are so tranquil, watching them is like meditating.

Relationships can be hard with lots of ups and downs and some couples make it through and some don't.

But the way I see it you can only control yourself and you are responsible for your own happiness.

Do what you want to do. Do what your heart tells you do.

If you hate where you live, move back to California. Maybe you have been unhappy in your current location and she has picked up on that and it's affecting your relationship, or maybe not.

But the point is you can only "sacrifice" so much of who you are for another person before loosing yourself and becoming miserable.

Maybe if you move back to california and find some emotional happiness she will realize the error of her ways and follow.

Or maybe she will never follow.... and you will meet someone else....like a sexy cool marine biologist or some other fish freak! Or you will meet someone who doesn't get the whole fish thing at all but loves you anyway (like my honey).

I feel for you....transitional times suck. But they help us grow.

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Old 10-04-2005, 12:15 AM   #12
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Thank you for all of your advice. I appreciate your feedback and concern. I have other things to straighten out practically before I make the big decision. At the moment, I have credit card debts to settle and 2 years of undergrad schooling to finish. I have car payments but they never disappear, no matter where you live. Just get a job and the car payments are covered usually.

Ofcourse I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to women suddenly feeling the urge to become "single" again. There's only once reason: She was attracted to a former acquaintance. In this case, a former college classmate.

One valuable thing she learned out of this is: Log off from your yahoo e-mail before you x out the window. Not doing so may allow the next person to automatically end up in your inbox.

That's exactly what happened. The reason why she was suddenly shopping, working out, and coming home late was because she was seeing a former college classmate. How predictable was that situation.

I packed my bags and was in the process of arranging help from my west coast brother to help me move out. But before that happened, all of my loved ones intervened. My dad, my mom, my brothers, her sister, our friends.

It hurts my ego to forgive but whenever that happens, my religious side kicks in, saying: "If God forgives, who are you not to?".

For practicality's sake, I chose to stay and focus on what is important: finish my school and pay off the credit card debt (almost $6600). Hopefully I am done with both before she starts to change her mind again.

Trust is like a crystal vase. No matter how much care you put to it over the years, it takes that one stu-pidity to break it. And even if you glue all of it back together, it will never be the same innocent transparent vase.

I don't see myself having babies with her anymore. I just can't fathom the idea of my kids' mom creaping on me, causing a divorce. I am here to finish my own duties then make big decisions when time comes.

The good thing with her is that she is smart enough not to give any excuses. She cried sorry. She then made adjustments in her lifestyle to make me the center of her life. That's not asking too much considering the blessings and forgiveness that she got from me.

Thanks again to all your advice. Sorry I wasn't able to post for a while. As you may figure out, I was working out a lot of drama in my life.

Comments and feedback welcomed. What do you think? What would you honestly do if you ended up in my shoes? Or did you before?
Old 10-04-2005, 12:27 AM   #13
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I've been in the situation and can't offer you any advice except follow your heart. If you can't see yourself having babies with her and spending a life with her because of trust issues, then don't hurt yourself by staying and remaining attached emotionally. It may pass in time but it may also be that she is incapable of being faithful to you and you may end up more hurt in the long run. Only you can choose what will make you happy and although it hurts like hell right now, it won't forever. Listen carefully to what your heart is telling you, not your head. She may be making you the center of her life right now but is that out of guilt only? If you are able to remain detached then more power to you. I couldn't remain detached and had to let go or destroy myself in the process. Don't lose yourself and when the time is right you will know what to do. Good luck.
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Old 10-04-2005, 12:47 AM   #14
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I have to agree with Zagz, if you can't see a future, why are you still with her? I understand forgiveness, but the one above never said you had to stay. I was in two relationships in my late teens/early twenties with "for now" people (someone I could see spending a few months to two years with). What a waste. I knew it was not going anywhere, I was finishing college, or the other person had plans to move away. In both cases, they were talking life commitment and I never saw it. I loved them for who they were and what they taught me, but staying was the worst thing I have ever done--in both cases (should have learned my lesson the first time). If you don't see a future, why invest in the present?
Those are my thoughts, but you do need to follow your gut (sometimes the heart lies). Good luck with this decision.

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Old 10-04-2005, 03:46 AM   #15
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I don't think it's that ugly. I moved down here from CT for my wife--same deal, left friends, family, everything. Fortunately we had a happy ending (um, not really an ending, we're still married and stuff). It sucks being here sometimes though, I've been here 4 years and have no friends outside of work and internet--I miss home from time to time. I've become a bit of a recluse. My advice to you, move back to the place you love before you get another anchor that keeps you here.
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Old 10-04-2005, 08:39 AM   #16
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My advice might take a little analysis archie. Our relationships in life all focus around ourselves as the center piece. Whether we're talking about a lover, family, friends, or business associates, the best relationship has to be with yourself.

Being hurt by others, or being disappointed in others is a normal human event. We empower others by putting our faith and trust in them. That isn't a bad thing, that's what a relationship is. Empower yourself by having that same kind of faith and trust in you.
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Old 10-04-2005, 08:54 AM   #17
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Hard to see it now I'll bet, but this too shall pass. And if you play your cards right (refrain form the self pity and ditrust of all women), you're gonna come out of this wiser and stronger. I'll bet my right arm on that. (P.S. - I'm right handed )

You did the right thing in the beginning by trusting someone with your love. The ability to do that requires a special human being. Hold on to it.

And this may sound corny, but I believe in it - - "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

And two other things - back off the MD bashing , and If you need any fish help when moving, lemme know. I'm 20 min from FedEx fld and I got local LFS connections.

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we are here we might as well dance!"

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Old 10-04-2005, 09:48 AM   #18
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Dude. Seriously. Cheating on you is a sign of a person's character. I know it hurts now, but that pain will go away. Been there, done that. I was with my ex-girlfriend for around 10 years. Our daughter was two when she decided that she wanted to "experience a life that she was missing" and start sleeping with other people.

You need to get out of there. Trust me. Even if you move into a hotel, it's better than staying in the same place as her. Better yet would be to put her stuff on the curb (she's the one that wants somebody else, let him take her stuff to his place).

The bottom line is that it takes two to tango, and when one person is done dancing, the dance is over. If you stay in the same place with her you'll see that she will follow the same pattern. She'll get bored with her new toy (or he'll get bored with her) and she'll want to fill the gap with somebody new. Or most likely, somebody close and/or old. She may see you as something to fall back on. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. You'll just get dropped again as soon as something "better" comes along.

You need to recognize that it's over. There's no patching up something like that because you'll always question her loyalty whether you mean to or not.

You want to forgive her? That's fine, but you still need to end the relationship. Start over. All the advice to listen to your heart is fine, but don't forget to use your head either.

Oh yeah, here's my movie quote...
Originally Posted by From 'As Good as it Gets'
Jack Nicholson's character, a writer named Melvin is stopped by a fan to ask him a question...

Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
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Old 10-04-2005, 12:38 PM   #19
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I just want to comment on the once a cheater always a cheater mentality. That's not true. Maybe for someone like Bill Clinton who has a history of being a serial cheater. But I do believe it is possible to put a relationship back together, even after being unfaithful, if both people really want to. In my personal experience a break/separation was required so we could see past all the nonsense and get ourselves in order. It took six months for us to decide we didn't want to be like everyone else and get divorced only to find someone new to go through the same crap with. We decided to make it work. And it has been working happily now for years. Granted in my situation there was a marriage and kids and therefore a whole lot of incentive to try harder so we did. It was a very mutual effort. Looking back now I can honestly say our relationship is stronger now years later, then it was before. I guess sometimes you have to blow something up completely in order to rebuild.

Anyway your situation might be completely different. She may really be a serial cheater who will always cheat, but then again she might not. Do think about taking a break though. Our "break" helped us decide to stay together.

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