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Old 03-23-2012, 11:00 PM   #11
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We once had a picture on the wall of a pussycat on a wooden dock with a fishing pole and the line in the water with fish swimming around the worm.
The caption was "Have you ever seen a catfish?"
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:50 PM   #12
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_Mitch Hedberg_ (1968-2005)



Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as "heck". You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, "heck"!


You can't have seaweed as a houseplant because you'd have to water it way too much. "Hey Mitch you wanna go out?" No I have to water the seaweed. "Till when?" Till FOREVER!

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean I would not be a gambler on the horse races because you'd be there freakin days

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip."

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:53 AM   #13
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Oh I love Mitch Hedberg! So funny. His delivery is the best! RIP, Mitch.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:02 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alkane View Post
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
Oh man....... blow chunks after reading that one......
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Old 04-10-2012, 01:31 PM   #15
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I didn't realize Mitch made so many fish jokes...
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:46 PM   #16
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A Doctor, a Banker and a lawyer were fishing in the Atlantic and a rogue wave came to starboard and capsized the boat they were in. They were in the water for hours and all swam within a 1/2 mile from shore but then three Sharks started to circle. Within minutes the first shark grabbed the Doctor and pulled him under.....not to be seen. After that the Second shark grabbed the banker pulled him under not to be seen. The Third shark came in pulled the lawyer under but then the lawyer popped back up grabbed the shark by it's dorsal fin and it took him the 1/2 mile into shallow water. The Lawyer unharmed got out of the water and walked on the beach.

The other sharks were puzzled and motioned to the Third shark "why did you let that guy go? and moreover why take him to the beach to be safe."

Third shark said "well, he told me he was a Lawyer so I figured I'd show him some professional courtesy".
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:41 PM   #17
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Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks.
"How do you drive this thing?"
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Old 04-10-2012, 08:17 PM   #18
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Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and asks.
"How do you drive this thing?"
Lol, that's really funny!
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:04 PM   #19
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this would probably make a better sig than joke

if wishes were fishes-wait,they already are
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:15 PM   #20
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Oh my god! This thread cracks me up so much .D
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