how to tell someone they are... messy

[rubysoho]

The following is background info, you can skip down past the dotted line if you wish not to read

So, my roommate and I have been living together now for 2 1/2 years. She is wonderful. We're always busy but even though we can go for periods of time not seeing eachother, when we hang out, it is like no time has passed at all. Everything is perfect... except one problem. Since she started dating this guy 3 months ago the apartment has kinda taken a turn for the worse. I constantly find coke cans EVERYWHERE. I even found my jacket on the ground with coke SPILLED on it and no one told me. I personally don't drink coke so I know it wasn't me. In fact, I'm so busy that I hardly have any food here at my own apartment. I think there are some chips in the pantry that are mine and so I left some pasta salad in the fridge from the last home football game where my mom came and tailgated with me and my friends. At least it is in a sealed container and isn't contributing to the smell of the trash my roommate hardly ever takes out. At first it wasn't so bad. I'd just take out the trash, do a couple of dishes. But last night broke the camels back. There is a huge pile of trash with spoiling uneaten food in it. There was some soggy, half-eating piece of something in the bottom of the sink over the garbage disposal. Come on! How can you be *that* lazy. I jokingly told my roommate about it and she gave me a blank stare as if she didn't know where is came from... I left it there to see what she'd do. This morning it is still there so I took one of the many unclean utensils in our sink and pushed it down into the garbage disposal. Bleck.

Now, I know I'm not perfect. My room looks like a war zone, but it is just cluttery-stuff. Nothing smells and I keep my room shut so none of her guests have to look at my mess. Okay, then there is the fish tank stuff that has been in the living room. But it is contained inside my empty 55 gallon tank (which I am setting up today, yay!). Again, it doesn't eminate any odore.

My boyfriend refuses to come over to my place because he doesn't like it. One, he doesn't like my roommate (they just have conflicting personalities) and two he says it smells as of late. I agree. Every time I get home I throw open windows and leave the door as wide open as possible.

okay, done with background info/venting
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So, how to go about chatting with my roommate about this? She is the kind of person where you could catch her breaking something valuable and she just gets this blank stare as if she knows nothing of what you are talking about. It is quite frustrating and is probably the only thing that annoys me (but nobody is perfect and she was a good roommate up until three months ago). It is like this if she is ever wrong or has done something wrong. How would you handle this?

I'm thinking of just cleaning the entire apartment in hopes that she will get the message.

[Meredith]

Thats a tough one. If you keep cleaning the apartment for her, believe me this trend will continue. She will keep making messes, and you will keep picking up after her. You need to sit down with her, hard as it will be, and tell her I love you, you are a great roommate, I know you are in the throws of a new relationship, and maybe you haven't noticed but the apartment looks and smells like crap! Explain that you have no problems helping out a little if she is in a rush and the dishes need to be done, but she really needs to pay attention to the messes she is making and PLEASE make an effort to clean up after herself. You are NOT her mommy (don't say that)
I really wish you luck. Its been my experience that people who are like that need constant talking to. Only because they will make a great effort at first then fall back into old patterns.

[QTOFFER]

I had roommates in college and in graduate school. [acronym:8d6fe703bc="In My Experience"]IME[/acronym:8d6fe703bc], there is nothing worse than having to share a bathroom and kitchen with an unrelated person. I would rather live in a cardboard box beneath a highway underpass that go back to having a roommate.

I think that a big part of my aversion to roommates is that I'm very non-confrontational.
And that's exactly what you're going to have to do: confront your roommate. You'll have to get her when she's relaxed and not busy, sit her down, and calmly explain to her exactly what she's doing that's driving you crazy. Then, together, you'll have to come up with a solution.

[lyquidphyre]

Ive had my fair share of frustrating roommates and sometimes its difficult to talk to them about this sort of things.

Just sit her down and say for the last couple of months the "common areas" of the apartment have gone downhill. And try not to blatently point fingers but say "Ya know, I always try to pick up my messes in the common living areas because I know its not fair to you and your friends to have to be surrounded by my mess.... but I feel that you don't feel the same way because...."
Maybe suggest a day for both of ya'll to clean the mess (even tho its not yours) and maybe she will take the hint.

Because i was on the other side of this problem with one of my roommates- I cleaned EVERY weekend and once finals came around I was so overwhelmed I didn't clean like I had been, and my papers were in the living room etc etc. But instead of my roommate talking to me about it I got a phone call saying "If I clean, can you keep it clean because blah blah blah.. I spent the last 3 hours cleaning and I want you to keep it clean (Yah, there is [acronym:dd7d528862="Normal Output Fluorescents"]NO[/acronym:dd7d528862] way it too 3 hours to clean what she cleaned)". That went all over me, I was so livid about her approach
Needless to say, I quit cleaning weekends because she apparently didn't appreciate it.

So make sure there isn't anything going on thats keeping her preoccupied and offer to help clean the apt this one time

[aoplayo]

just put all her messes in her room.

[talloulou]

My husband's a slob! I love him but he's a total slob. What I have realized after all of these years sharing a house with him is that he really honestly is unaware of what a slob he is. Totally clueless! The mess that bothers me.....doesn't have the same affect on him at all. I stopped fighting about it long ago cause it was so pointless. You see his cleaning methods just aren't the same as mine. I make a meal, eat the meal, and do the dishes. When I'm out of town my husband will let the dishes pile up until he is completely out of clean dishes and only then will he begrudgingly clean a few. In the past he has actually bought new clothes in lieu of doing laundry! So in order to keep the peace I just constantly pick up after him. After all, since the mess bothers me it's kinda my problem. Luckily I love him......despite his sloppiness. Not sure I could tolerate the same from a roomate though.

However, if you do find a way to tame the sloppy beast please let me know!! I have moved my husband's hamper around the bedroom no less then a million times....trying to find that one spot that would actually catch the clothes as he tosses them off his body.....to no avail. So good luck to you, but don't hold your breath.

[Skyrmir]

Having been the sloppy roomate and sadly enough had to deal with an even sloppier roommate in the past. You've a couple options. My personal favorite was the large pile o crap method. Don't clean anything of thiers long enough to get a really good sized mess going. Then pile every bit of unclean un-organized tossed about garbage into one big pile. Place the pile either in the middle of the main living room, or in front of thier bedroom door. No need to talk or yell about much with this one. The pile speaks for itself. Main thing is to remain ABSOLUTELY calm when they come back to confront you about it.

Next method is to start putting the garbage in thier laps. Don't go out of your way to do this one, just when one of thier messes gets in the way, calmly walk over and set it in thier lap. Let them decide to sit with dirty dishes/laundry in thier lap or clean it up.

Last method is the least effective, but sometimes makes you feel better. Simply start calling them a slob/slacker etc. as often as possible in place of ever using thier real name. Only do this when they are within earshot. It's pointless otherwise and just plain mean if they aren't around.

Bottom line is a messy person just plain doesn't comprehend that they've left a mess. It doesn't occur to them. It doesn't intrude on thier life or mind in any way. So the only way to get them to change, is to intrude on thier activities or thoughts on a regular or large basis. And you HAVE to keep up with it. Otherwise you end up just having a bad weekend and nothing changes.

Also if at all possible, praise efforts on thier part to clean or change. And make sure it sounds sincere, a sarcastic thanks is worse than no thanks.

Hope this helps.

[BrianNY]

All people are different. The threshold of tolerance depends on how much 2 people actually respect each other. Some people seem born to take advantage and others seem resigned to being taken advantage of.

I know I would be very confrontational if I were in your position. The gloves would be off at the risk of losing a roomate. But that's just me.

[hisc1ay]

I'm completely non-confrontational too. I have a roommate that claims to be really clean, but his clutter is usually what's lying around. I know I haven't been a clean person in the past (messes don't usually bother me until I can't stand them anymore), but ever since I bought a house (and brought him with me), I like to keep my place relatively clean. My bedroom is a different story, but that's beside the point. He often uses dishes and just leaves them in the sink, which I don't mind for a couple days, but usually by then I decide to clean the kitchen up. He doesn't usually take that initiative, and I usually don't mind. I remember one time I let it go for a couple days and just bit the bullet, and while I was doing them, he came in and said "Oh, I was going to do those." That's usually how it is. The last time he did the dishes, he had the gual to tell me that I constantly leave dishes with food on them in the sink and they end up smelling. The funny part is that the day before, I moved the bowl of oatmeal and chocolate syrup he had sitting on the coffee table for two days into the sink. He hasn't complained since I called him out on that one, but then he told a mutual friend of ours that I'm dirty (I was kinda pissed about that, but she knows me better than that).

He gets in moods where he just can't sit still and starts cleaning. But those are only once every couple weeks. He does keep his bathroom clean, so I can't complain about that.

But he's probably like your roommate, only he doesn't leave rotting food out. He'll clutter up the living room and stuff, but that's it. If I do get in a cleaning mood, I usually just put it on his bed. To confront your roommate, if she doesn't get it that it's her mess, when it's all funky, I'd ask her "Do you know who left this food out here to smell up the place?" Do it real casually so as not to directly point fingers. If she says "I don't know", say something like "well, I am pretty sure I didn't leave it there because I haven't eaten here in a few days, but I gotta run...could you grab it please?" And then leave. If that doesn't work, push her face into it and ask her why she has to be such a freakin' slob!

Best of luck. I found that the key to any cohabitational relationship is communication. But also be prepared to get some yourself, whether you think she's right or not. It might make it a tense relationship for a bit, but she'll get over it if she's your friend.

-j

[talloulou]

Originally Posted by hisc1ay

If that doesn't work, push her face into it and ask her why she has to be such a freakin' slob!
-j

OMG Extremely funny, I especially like the use of the work "freakin" but I'd have to advise against this. Doesn't work on puppies who pee in the house so probably won't have the "right" affect on messy roomies either