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Old 04-14-2005, 04:46 PM   #11
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If my grandfather were still around, he'd probly go down the basement and start making or building something. he made my parents bed and dresser.

You could bring a tag with your name on it... and put it on someone elses gift? j/p
reminds me of the comercial were the dad buy's phones for the kids and the mother steal the gift and lables it from her. LOL

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Old 04-14-2005, 05:07 PM   #12
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Hmmm. I hate to pour more salt here Lori but I suspect this isn't about the money for the gift. I mean, if you're barely making ends meet but can afford the trip to Baltimore.......... get the picture?

You need to let your conscience be your guide and think about how you'll feel not the day of the wedding, but in 5, 10 or 20 years. Personally, whatever gift you give should be from the heart, not because it's mandated. JMO

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Old 04-14-2005, 05:18 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by BrianNY
Hmmm. I hate to pour more salt here Lori but I suspect this isn't about the money for the gift. I mean, if you're barely making ends meet but can afford the trip to Baltimore.......... get the picture?
I totally understand what you're saying in that paragraph - which is why I am so torn....$466 is a lot - money that we now cannot spend on a renovation for the house - and plus a gift? I understand weddings are a family event and gifts are from the heart, but they also have to understand how much they are asking of people here...especially two people who are starting their lives together and trying to save for their own wedding/future family.

$40 to the baltimore aquarium is actually a lot for us...we don't get out and do much - this is a treat for us that we feel we deserve.

Sigh...maybe a card and like $20-$40 saying that we are sorry we can't afford anything else at this time?
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Old 04-14-2005, 05:30 PM   #14
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Lori, let me tell you a little story. (Another one! )

Years ago, my kid brother went out with the *very* nice girl for years while in high school and college. Near the end of the last term, he dumps her! Had all kind of "reasons" to justify his action. A couple of weeks later, he shows up with one of his classmate!? They had spent all their college years in the same classes. He later announces they are getting married in a year! The thing is: this girl was/still is snotty and is nowhere near as nice his former GF. She was, how to say, very antipathic?

In any case, the wedding date came up, I got them one of those *very* fancy dishware set. Like 6 boxes of this stuff. Until then, I had no idea dishes could be so expensive! I was the bets man, the "chauffeur" and at the supper later, I was not even on the list of people to be part of the table of honour. (He's the only sibling I have). Her mom and her 5 sisters were there with their spouses, and my mother.

Nonetheless, during the supper, I get the waiter (Fancy/expensive hotel) to bring them their finest bottle of champagne. I almost past out when I got the bill. To this day, she never calls my mom or me, or my wife for that matter.

When my wife and I got married in 2000, everyone in her family was invited to the ceremony and supper. No one but her showed up, and she probably did because she had too.

All of this say what? To say that, like JC said, this is a special family gathering and protocols should/must be followed. Keep in mind that it is your brother that will be living with her, and if at least, she makes him happy and is good with him, then this should have priority.

That's how my family deals with my sister-in-law. My brother has been married for over 15 years now, and I have no indication that he is anywhere close to being unhappy with her.

For what it is worth, I hope you will see this through land make peace with yourself about this.

Best whishes.


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Old 04-14-2005, 05:31 PM   #15
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I'm going to stand on both sides of the line here but,,,

but can afford the trip to Baltimore
sometimes ya gotta spend on yourself. paying bills isn't going away, so you need a release from it sometimes. it takes a long time for some to come up with enough to do for therselves, and i wouldn't give it up for anything else other than myself or emergancy's.

on the other hand...

it's a wedding, once in a lifetime (usualy), and it's family. you definatly need to buy them a gift, or make one that will last a liftime. either an inexpencive gift from each of you, or a moderatly priced gift from both. taking into consideration what your spending to get there (and back), if I were your brother, I would be happy with anything you got. even if it was small enough to fit in my pockett, or on my keychain, I WOULD be happy. and I would have something I could look at when I was 60, and say, I love my sister and i am glad she was there.

stepping down now, Tim.
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:00 PM   #16
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I have to say that I disagree with the overall thought that gifts are obligatory. Attendance, yes.....gifts, no. This is a celebration of an event in their lives...people are important, family and friends to wish them well. I would rather have 20 close people and no gifts then 20 gifts and no people to share the day with.

Just my thoughts
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:25 PM   #17
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I am with Hara on this. When I look back at my wedding 14 years ago I can't remember what each person gave me, even my sisters, but I do remember them standing there when I made my entrance, and I still have the photos, and that is what I carry with me when I think of my wedding day.

Assuming your brother knows that money is tight (and excluding the whole concept of dragging you 1000 miles to be in the wedding ) he would be suprised and perhaps feel a little bad if he found an expensive present from you in the pile.

Do what you can, and don't worry about it any more. To me this is a "don't sweat the small stuff" kind of situation.
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:27 PM   #18
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I wouldn't purchase a gift, but I would get them a nice card. Make something inexpensive if you're crafty or a baker and that's something you'd like to do. My boyfriend and I do not have a lot of money. We never have. My family *does* have a lot of money. I got tired of the guilt so I am done with trying to live up to their expectations. Not trying to sound harsh here, but we have different lifestyles. I think it's wonderful that you will be there. Your presence should compensate for presents and family (of all people) should understand and appreciate that. I hope you have a nice time

I hear you on not liking the fiancé so much. My brother finally divorced his first wife of 7 years. It was just never a good fit. But you can't tell people that while they're in it. Only hindsight offers such vivid clarity
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:36 PM   #19
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I can look back at my wedding, 3 years ago. My cousin made it from out of town. That was all that was important....
they (her and hubby) sheepishly apologized for not having a present, but said that money was real tight,
I never batted an eyelash... I would have had a FIT had they given up something for themselves for me! The REAL gift was that they were there!

IMHO... you are stressing over something thats not that big of a deal. AND...... if you feel that strongly about giving a gift.......
Make something. Yard sales are getting ready to start up. Go find a beautiful frame, then refinish it.... and offer to put one of their wedding photos in it once they get them...
easy way out... I can even give you some help with refinishing a frame if needed... just PM me...
Good Luck with whatever you decide... I know youll make the right choice.
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Old 04-14-2005, 07:42 PM   #20
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Wow...it seems that the men are in favor of gifting and the women are siding against not. Who knew? It is perhaps that as men, we are sorta "trained" to give gifts for all occassions. Where did this "training" come from...well, my mother was very influential about this.

Momma said: "It's not the gift that counts...it's the thought" (I would not lie about this...have no reason too). She told me that if you cannot afford a gift...you place a card of apology in a gift box and ensure that you see it though. Since the wedding gifts are never opened at the wedding...you have no problem there.

Tankgirl, I've been married for 22 years and no, I couldn't tell you what I got, let alone who gave it...the problem is...I do remember who did and who didn't. That lasts a lifetime. I have one sister...she does not do anywhere near as well as I. I understand that I will not ever recieve an extravagant gift from her but, at my wedding...she did provide a gift (geez...now I really want to remember what it was).

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