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Old 09-20-2005, 10:26 PM   #1
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Poem that I wrote...

This is a poem that I wrote today. Please tell me what you think. It can be bad or good. I need the comments to better my writing. Thanks!

The Sacrifice

Two sweethearts walked hand in hand
Across the rolling, cotton planted land,
To the fort that would tear them apart.
The sweet Southern belle, Betty Sue, declared to her dear soldier she
wished for him not to depart.

"I have to my love, to keep you safe.
I best not be late so I must haste."
Betty Sue clung to the soldier all dressed in gray and started to weep;
But the young soldier kissed her tenderly and ran to the fort so as not
to keep.

He trained with the best and learned all he could,
To prepare himself for the battle that was yet to come.
As the first bullet sounded he thought of his sweet Betty Sue,
Who would always be his and always remain true.

He fought for his Betty Sue with all his strength
And he knew that his life might end for her sake.
He continued to battle against his foe,
While his love for his sweetheart continued to grow.

He was thinking of her beautiful face
When a bullet struck his side.
He knew he was going to die
When he saw blood oozing from his side.

But yet could not take Betty Sue off his mind
As he started to weaken his love was increasing.
The soldier thought of the tender kiss he had given his sweetheart
as he closed his eyes and breathed his last.

He and Betty Sue were now forever apart.

greytgrey is offline  
Old 09-20-2005, 10:49 PM   #2
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It's a good start....but if you want an honest opinion it's not finished. It needs to be cleaned up a bit and spots need to be reworked. The rhythm is off in places and this can be fixed by cleaning it up a bit by deleting words and reworking words in certain places.

For example I think if you remove cotton from the second line it reads better. The last two lines of the first stanza are very wordy and throw the rhyme completely off.

Two sweethearts walked hand in hand
Across the rolling planted land,
Nearing the fort that would tear them apart.
Betty Sue begged her soldier not to depart.

That sucks but you get the idea.....it needs to flow better. And I think with some more work you can make it flow better.

Also "I must haste" sounds awkward.

But all that aside I like the idea of the poem and think it can be pretty good with some more tweaking.

Oh and I know very little about poetry and prefer poems that sound like Dr. Seuss wrote em' so feel free to take my advise with a grain of salt.

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Old 09-21-2005, 08:51 AM   #3
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If you are just getting into writting poetry, I suggest studying the different types of structure to get a basic knowledge. Now, personally I despise "formated structure" for writting but the reason why I think you (and other people) should start writing with structure is so that once you've learned the "rules" you can break them to make it better. I guess think of it like a famous painter. They know all the rules for using color, composition of a piece, but then they take a certain aspect and break the rule. I think this can only be done properly after you've learned about structure and other rules.

I think the poem is a nice start, though a bit rough. You have some rythm and flow in certain areas, but then it gets hard to read in others. This can be used as an tool to help convey the story, but I do not think you did that on purpose. Again, the reason I stated the above paragraph.

I applaud the fact that you did not try to make every other line rhyme. It is refreshing to see that. Be careful in how you word things because you don't want to sound archaic (an expansion on talloulou's "I must haste" comment... actually, it would be "hasten" I believe. So, if you do want to word it like that, double check your sentence structure and how you are using the words to make sure it is correct.)

I like that you added details like the girl dressed in grey. Maybe make "as the bullet sounded" more concrete. How did it sound exactly? Too often good poetry will not be great poetry from the use of vague terms and expressions. You really want to place the reader in the situation of the character, but you can't do that when you use vague words.

Now, to really confuse you, I liked how you did not give a clear detail to the "foe." It allows different readers to relate to the foe. Hehe, so vagueness can be used for good.

I hope I didn't confuse you too much. Like talloulou said, take it with a grain of salt. Even the famous poets have people who hate their work. You can't satisfy everyone, and you should only write for yourself.

BTW, if you do re-work the poem, I'd love to see it.
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Old 09-21-2005, 09:01 AM   #4
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THank you for all the comments!!!!!! I shall try to use them!!!
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