Tell your favorite jokes here!!

[michealprater]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler (this is a little long but cute)

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches
of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and
then I had to take a leak. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck,
for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the butthole
is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I think she's lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-gun who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his privates and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.


December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all
my pipes.


December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The B**** is
driving me crazy!!!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?



December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[michealprater]

Found this quite humorous. I just stumbled across it. Bad thing is, I think its a true story.

http://www.yatfs.com/Saltwater%20Diary.htm

[reefrunner69]

The cards Hallmark doesn't print ...

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.



2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!



3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.



4. Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder? What the **** was I thinking?



5. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.



6. How could two people as beautiful as you...

Have such an ugly baby?



7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you ... I've changed my mind.



8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...

I never believed in **** till I met you.



9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.



11. Someday I hope to get married .but not to you.



12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!



13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.



14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?



15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.



16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special

for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.



18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One turns to the other and says,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

[jblitz99]

mike prater woke up saturday morning after a long night of drinking, not remembering what happened, he made his way to the bathroom. while taking a p@#s he noticed two colored bands around his d@$K. alarmed he went to the doctor to have it looked at. after a close exam the doctor says "I have some good news, and some bad news for you" "The good news is, the red ring is lipstick" "The bad news is the brown ring is skoal"
Prater you sick ba@#$rd!!!

[Hara]

Lawyer Bashing

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps with pictures of lawyers on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

[Hara]

Thought for the Day

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. By 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never-ending erections and no recollection of what to do with either of them !!!

[Bearfan]

Why you don't cheat on your wife.

[d9hp]

Sorry bearfan, i think i reported your post, did NOT mean that, I think that is halarious. Any ways here is my joke,

Entrance exam to a place called college.

1) Which of the following foods should be fried?

a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods

2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?

True
False

3) What is 8 + 3 ?

a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

4) I will cheat on my wife...

a) for a quart of Schlitz
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove

5) I wash my underwear when...

a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains

6) I brush my teeth when...

a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth

7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?

a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer

My favorite book is...

a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?

9) Country music is so great because...

a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it

10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...

a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats

11) Cholesterol is...

a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) don't know

12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy

a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

13) Women should...

a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook.

[Hara]

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird,

but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"