Tell your favorite jokes here!!

[michealprater]

Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is f! ull so instead of taking it back to auto store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Have a Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow..
18 ) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step !31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage! as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $25.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Total $4150.00

************ But, doggone, you know the job was done right!

[Grant R]

Subject: Heavenly Talk

Two men meet in heaven.'What did u die of? asked the one.
'I died of extreme cold. And what about u?'
'I came home from work and heard my wife talking to a stranger. On
entering the house, I searched every nook and corner of the house but
could not find anyone anywhere. I felt so guilty of my behaviour that
my heart failed.'
On this, the other one said,'Had u cared to open the fridge, neither of
us would have died.'

[targaboy78]

After getting all the Popes luggage loaded in the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the police car approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his car, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Lieutenant," he says to the dispatcher.

The Lieutenant gets on the radio, The cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "

So bust him," said the Lieutenant.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Lieutenant, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!"

[Bearfan]

Delightfully inappropriate. Censor away if you wish

[Bearfan]

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane
crashed into a cemetery this morning.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and
expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the
night .

[Bearfan]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way,
Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands
for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane
the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[michealprater]

I must say this thread is very funny , keepem coming.

[michealprater]

Things to do in an elevator!!!

40. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.

39. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

38. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

37. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

36. Bring a chair along.

35. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

34. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

33. Do Tai Chi exercises.

32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

31. Meow occasionally.

30. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

29. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

28. Play the harmonica.

27. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

26. Lean against the button panel.

25. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

24. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

23. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other people "through" it.

22. Start a sing-along.

21. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

20. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

19. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

18. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

17. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

16. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

15. One word: Flatulence!

14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"

13. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, blasted, all of you just shut UP!""

8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

7. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

6. Wear "x-ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

5. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

4. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

3. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

2. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

1. Stand in front facing the door with a friend. Have your friend say Sure I'll take the case, but why did you kill them. Say demonicly because they was staring at the back of my head.

[reefrunner69]

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to
the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the
circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was
wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check,
indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must
compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She
indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice...

So I switched the heads."

[michealprater]

Keep em coming guys, these are great! LOL