I tried to be witty but apparently I failed.
I'll cut her some slack because she bought me a new 55 gallon setup for my birthday to get me back into fish wrangling after a ten year hiatus. Yeah, I have a 55g, 29g, and a 20g packed away in the garage, but I just couldn't motivate myself to break it all out. It was a heart wrenching tale of a divorce in the middle of winter, the evil ex, and the common pleco I loved. I still miss him.
Anyhow, it is currently cycling properly thanks to the brilliant tips provided here. So I decided to pull up a seat and make this home.