Bad Relationship but Happiness from fishtanks

[Guest]

If it wasn't for the fishtank hobby, I'd go insane with my life right now. I had a long distance girlfriend for 9 years. I used to live in Glendale, Sunny Souther California. We moved in together less than 2 years ago. With that, I moved out here in ugly Maryland in the name of love. After the infatuation phase of living together, she suddenly wants to get the feeling of being single. She fantasizes about being single, she told me. After all that sacrifice, it really sucks.

Easy to say "Leave her" but it's more complicated than that if you invested that much time of your life to it.

For what it's worth, because of me moving here, I got in to the fish hobby since this is probably one of the most boring places I've lived in America. Nothing beats Southern California. The ladies, the friends, the weather, the sites, everything. Earthquake, brush fire, and smog is overrated. There's smog here too. Plus you get humid heat and freezing cold. It's enough to say I'd rather be in Southern California.

Anyways, I just want to share to you guys that we all feel the same happiness that people that aren't in the hobby does not feel regarding fish tanks.

We have a better awareness of the environment (the ocean, the lakes etc). We have a better appreciation of the reef. Plus, we share this excitement of coming home to fish tanks. I just want to thank all of you guys for being in this forum. It really makes me feel happy while I am going through some rough time with an ungrateful woman.

Why are women ungrateful to nice men. then they complain that they can't find nice men...that all men are dogs. For what it's worth, most men love fun but when they find the women of their dreams, they treat these women like a princess. However, the women usually then takes the man forgranted.

 

[virus]

ahhh but to see into the TRUE mind of a woman, is what male philosofers have been trying to do for centeries, in my advice the best thing to do would be to talk about it, and as simple as it may sound alot of people forget it, i dont have a inward view of your relationship so that is all i can tell you, but if you truely love her you can try to persude her that your relationship is still so fun!


Whoa......gota take a breather, but listen wait till everyone else post about their feelings on the matter, becuse im only 15 and im sure everone else has more seasoned advice!

 

[Meredith]

That really stinks. Its hard to say why some people do what they do. I know its hard right now, but things will get better. This may sound harsh, but at least it was only 2 years and not 10. It sounds like you need to make a move to CA. Good luck to you.

 

[BrianNY]

This is quite a topic. I'm sure there are countless philosophies but I think I know what you're eluding to archie. I think it was Woody Allen that said "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member". It may have been Groucho Marx. Anyway, there's volumes to analyze in that statement.

The point I'm trying to make is that some people (men and women), only want what they can't have. Once they obtain what they THINK is a perfect relationship, it somehow tarnishes and loses value over time. These are types that will always seek greener pastures. You can't force someone to want you. You're better off understanding that this isn't the ideal mate, wish her well and move on. JMO

 

[virus]

ahhh yes i like brians post

 

[Andos99]

If she can't decipher the difference between what's real with fantasy and is then willing to throw it all away, you deserve much better. It's hard to take sides, but it sounds like you have made the commitment, a cross-country move is huge, and she blew it off because the romance fizzled. It's too bad she didn't realize that the "honeymoon" phase is only that.....a phase. After that, follows compromise and understanding, which I'm sure you already know. If you haven't already, get back to cali ASAP! I would be excited about getting back to what I know and starting over with someone who will really appreciate everything you have to offer. I would bet that she'll be calling in a matter of weeks, once she realizes what she gave up......just be strong and remember who's the better man. Good luck to ya.....at least you have your tanks to occupy your mind.

 

[DeFeKt]

this is a really interesting subject,

However, the women usually then takes the man forgranted.

I hear ya.
Not that i've got anything against women,
and there is always 2 sides to the story,
just be glad you didn't spend the two years being manipulated by the other half by use of a beautiful baby boy. or did you?
It's not fair to anyone.
Andos and Brian are right. my guess is the novelty wore off for her. like a child with a new toy.
You do deserve better.
Best of luck.
Just remember, don't sweat the small stuff. It just isn't worth it.

 

[Guest]

As a native and life-long Marylander, please go back to California!

Buh Bye!!!

 

[dr_girlfriend]

I think I drove through maryland once....and delaware in like an hour LOL. JK No offense corvus. I spent some time in southern NJ, and hated it. so freakin humid, like the south almost!!

I know its hard to leave after investing your money, job, time and emotions moving cross country for someone. Not knowing either of you, but it sounds like shes infatuated with the beginning of a relationship. When everything is new and relations are....well you know Being in a long distance relationship is alot different than living together. You dont see each other hardly and only talk occasionally. But when you do get together, watch out! Sparks! But when youre together every day and the realities of life are there, it sucks the romance like a vacum.
But all relationships go through stages, and if people expect it to be hot and heavy forever, they will never be in a relationship long. Sounds like she wants that new exilirating feeling like when you first go with someone.
I actually met my husband on the internet (when it was considered ultra-looserish) and he moved from NJ to CA to marry me, that was 7 years ago.
So don't give up, and come back to CA. Not right now though, its like 110 degrees Dont waste your time with someone that doesnt love you.

 

[Jermz79]

In the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G. ..... I'm goin goin back back to CALI CALI!!!!!!

Hit the road man, don't stand around and waste your time if she wants to live in a fantasy world ... trust me she'll never be able to realize the difference. It's sad to see this happen to anyone, man or woman alike, and there really isn't anything anyone can say that will sway your decision either way! You have the power to make the choice for what is right and wrong, by your post I think you have pretty much made that decision and now just need to act upon it! Get back to Cali and enjoy life to it's fullest man. It sounds as though you had some good people out there and really enjoyed life being in Cali.

I spent 3 years of my life with a chick who was playin me since day one ... same thing moved to be with her LODI DODI DA and all that jazz, and BAM 1 month later she tells me that it isn't going to work because she liked being on her own 8O 8O 8O .... I split QUICK! No need for that man ... now I am happily married and have a beautiful daughter and wouldn't change a thing in my life. My mother God bless her soul ... always told me that things happen for a reason, and after the last 3 years of my life I have finally realized it's true. This could be your wake up call right here, the break you had been needing and not realized!

Good luck and best wishes,
Jermz

 

[talloulou]

It must be very hard to consider ending a 9 year relationship. I feel for you and I am glad you are finding some comfort in your tanks.

Fish tanks are so tranquil, watching them is like meditating.

Relationships can be hard with lots of ups and downs and some couples make it through and some don't.

But the way I see it you can only control yourself and you are responsible for your own happiness.

Do what you want to do. Do what your heart tells you do.

If you hate where you live, move back to California. Maybe you have been unhappy in your current location and she has picked up on that and it's affecting your relationship, or maybe not.

But the point is you can only "sacrifice" so much of who you are for another person before loosing yourself and becoming miserable.

Maybe if you move back to california and find some emotional happiness she will realize the error of her ways and follow.

Or maybe she will never follow.... and you will meet someone else....like a sexy cool marine biologist or some other fish freak! Or you will meet someone who doesn't get the whole fish thing at all but loves you anyway (like my honey).

I feel for you....transitional times suck. But they help us grow.

 

[Guest]

Thank you for all of your advice. I appreciate your feedback and concern. I have other things to straighten out practically before I make the big decision. At the moment, I have credit card debts to settle and 2 years of undergrad schooling to finish. I have car payments but they never disappear, no matter where you live. Just get a job and the car payments are covered usually.

Ofcourse I learned a valuable lesson when it comes to women suddenly feeling the urge to become "single" again. There's only once reason: She was attracted to a former acquaintance. In this case, a former college classmate.

One valuable thing she learned out of this is: Log off from your yahoo e-mail before you x out the window. Not doing so may allow the next person to automatically end up in your inbox.

That's exactly what happened. The reason why she was suddenly shopping, working out, and coming home late was because she was seeing a former college classmate. How predictable was that situation.

I packed my bags and was in the process of arranging help from my west coast brother to help me move out. But before that happened, all of my loved ones intervened. My dad, my mom, my brothers, her sister, our friends.

It hurts my ego to forgive but whenever that happens, my religious side kicks in, saying: "If God forgives, who are you not to?".

For practicality's sake, I chose to stay and focus on what is important: finish my school and pay off the credit card debt (almost $6600). Hopefully I am done with both before she starts to change her mind again.

Trust is like a crystal vase. No matter how much care you put to it over the years, it takes that one stu-pidity to break it. And even if you glue all of it back together, it will never be the same innocent transparent vase.

I don't see myself having babies with her anymore. I just can't fathom the idea of my kids' mom creaping on me, causing a divorce. I am here to finish my own duties then make big decisions when time comes.

The good thing with her is that she is smart enough not to give any excuses. She cried sorry. She then made adjustments in her lifestyle to make me the center of her life. That's not asking too much considering the blessings and forgiveness that she got from me.

Thanks again to all your advice. Sorry I wasn't able to post for a while. As you may figure out, I was working out a lot of drama in my life.

Comments and feedback welcomed. What do you think? What would you honestly do if you ended up in my shoes? Or did you before?

 

[Zagz]

I've been in the situation and can't offer you any advice except follow your heart. If you can't see yourself having babies with her and spending a life with her because of trust issues, then don't hurt yourself by staying and remaining attached emotionally. It may pass in time but it may also be that she is incapable of being faithful to you and you may end up more hurt in the long run. Only you can choose what will make you happy and although it hurts like hell right now, it won't forever. Listen carefully to what your heart is telling you, not your head. She may be making you the center of her life right now but is that out of guilt only? If you are able to remain detached then more power to you. I couldn't remain detached and had to let go or destroy myself in the process. Don't lose yourself and when the time is right you will know what to do. Good luck.

 

[Menagerie]

I have to agree with Zagz, if you can't see a future, why are you still with her? I understand forgiveness, but the one above never said you had to stay. I was in two relationships in my late teens/early twenties with "for now" people (someone I could see spending a few months to two years with). What a waste. I knew it was not going anywhere, I was finishing college, or the other person had plans to move away. In both cases, they were talking life commitment and I never saw it. I loved them for who they were and what they taught me, but staying was the worst thing I have ever done--in both cases (should have learned my lesson the first time). If you don't see a future, why invest in the present?
Those are my thoughts, but you do need to follow your gut (sometimes the heart lies). Good luck with this decision.

 

[shawmutt]

I don't think it's that ugly. I moved down here from CT for my wife--same deal, left friends, family, everything. Fortunately we had a happy ending (um, not really an ending, we're still married and stuff). It sucks being here sometimes though, I've been here 4 years and have no friends outside of work and internet--I miss home from time to time. I've become a bit of a recluse. My advice to you, move back to the place you love before you get another anchor that keeps you here.

 

[BrianNY]

My advice might take a little analysis archie. Our relationships in life all focus around ourselves as the center piece. Whether we're talking about a lover, family, friends, or business associates, the best relationship has to be with yourself.

Being hurt by others, or being disappointed in others is a normal human event. We empower others by putting our faith and trust in them. That isn't a bad thing, that's what a relationship is. Empower yourself by having that same kind of faith and trust in you.

 

[austinsdad]

Hard to see it now I'll bet, but this too shall pass. And if you play your cards right (refrain form the self pity and ditrust of all women), you're gonna come out of this wiser and stronger. I'll bet my right arm on that. (P.S. - I'm right handed )

You did the right thing in the beginning by trusting someone with your love. The ability to do that requires a special human being. Hold on to it.

And this may sound corny, but I believe in it - - "Its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

And two other things - back off the MD bashing , and If you need any fish help when moving, lemme know. I'm 20 min from FedEx fld and I got local LFS connections.

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

 

[deli_conker]

Dude. Seriously. Cheating on you is a sign of a person's character. I know it hurts now, but that pain will go away. Been there, done that. I was with my ex-girlfriend for around 10 years. Our daughter was two when she decided that she wanted to "experience a life that she was missing" and start sleeping with other people.

You need to get out of there. Trust me. Even if you move into a hotel, it's better than staying in the same place as her. Better yet would be to put her stuff on the curb (she's the one that wants somebody else, let him take her stuff to his place).

The bottom line is that it takes two to tango, and when one person is done dancing, the dance is over. If you stay in the same place with her you'll see that she will follow the same pattern. She'll get bored with her new toy (or he'll get bored with her) and she'll want to fill the gap with somebody new. Or most likely, somebody close and/or old. She may see you as something to fall back on. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. You'll just get dropped again as soon as something "better" comes along.

You need to recognize that it's over. There's no patching up something like that because you'll always question her loyalty whether you mean to or not.

You want to forgive her? That's fine, but you still need to end the relationship. Start over. All the advice to listen to your heart is fine, but don't forget to use your head either.

Oh yeah, here's my movie quote...

Jack Nicholson's character, a writer named Melvin is stopped by a fan to ask him a question...

Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

 

[talloulou]

I just want to comment on the once a cheater always a cheater mentality. That's not true. Maybe for someone like Bill Clinton who has a history of being a serial cheater. But I do believe it is possible to put a relationship back together, even after being unfaithful, if both people really want to. In my personal experience a break/separation was required so we could see past all the nonsense and get ourselves in order. It took six months for us to decide we didn't want to be like everyone else and get divorced only to find someone new to go through the same crap with. We decided to make it work. And it has been working happily now for years. Granted in my situation there was a marriage and kids and therefore a whole lot of incentive to try harder so we did. It was a very mutual effort. Looking back now I can honestly say our relationship is stronger now years later, then it was before. I guess sometimes you have to blow something up completely in order to rebuild.

Anyway your situation might be completely different. She may really be a serial cheater who will always cheat, but then again she might not. Do think about taking a break though. Our "break" helped us decide to stay together.