_Mitch Hedberg_ (1968-2005)
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as "heck". You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, "heck"!
You can't have seaweed as a houseplant because you'd have to water it way too much. "Hey Mitch you wanna go out?" No I have to water the seaweed. "Till when?" Till FOREVER!
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean I would not be a gambler on the horse races because you'd be there freakin days
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "I don't believe you, let me see the inside of your lip."
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.